


Pennywise Likes Pizza Snacks

by WaitingForMy



Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Comedy, I Don't Even Know, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-13
Updated: 2018-11-13
Packaged: 2019-02-01 15:11:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 1,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12707469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WaitingForMy/pseuds/WaitingForMy
Summary: Pennywise turns his life around after discovering pizza snacks.





	1. A Journey of Self Discovery

**Author's Note:**

> I've been writing fan fiction for a long time, but this is my first post on AO3. What better way to introduce myself than with absolute trash?
> 
> Pizza snacks are the same thing as pizza rolls. I thought this was common knowledge until my friend got really confused.

It all began on a crisp fall day, like any other. Adults were working, kids were in school, some kids were skipping school, leaves were falling, an interdimensional murder clown was on the prowl, the cold breeze was blowing, people were breaking out the apple cider…you know, the usual.

Pennywise the clown had just completed his most recent kill: A boy in his early teens who was skipping school. He loved it, when they skipped school. It made them such easy targets.

Pennywise made a quick meal of the boy. Unfortunately, he was rather scrawny, and the clown was left hungry. “Hm… What to do?” he wondered aloud.

Just then, the oven beeped. It seemed the boy had been preparing something to eat, himself. Pennywise shrugged. Sure, human food wasn’t the tastiest, but it would do until he could find his next prey item. He slipped an oven mitt on over his white gloves and retrieved the hot pan from the oven. Sixteen steaming little nuggets awaited him.

The clown popped one in his mouth, unfazed by the molten hot innards that seared his tongue.

Oh my. Could this be? This little morsel was the most delicious thing he had ever tasted. It was even better than the flesh of the most terrified children.

“Good golly, me oh my!” he cried with glee. “Why have I been killing humans when they can make _this?_ ”

He looked around frantically, and quickly found the box sitting on the counter. He dove for it, snatching it in his claws and crashing to the floor, already reading all about the generic brand pizza snacks.

Pennywise the Dancing Clown’s life would never be the same.

Clutching the box to his chest, he darted from the house, leaving the front door swinging open behind him. Forget his next prey item. He was on his way to the grocery store for more pizza snacks.


	2. How to Hunt Pizza

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pizza comes in many forms, and Pennywise likes them all.

"Dude, I told you it was a prank order. Who orders pizza to coordinates instead of an address?"

"We just got here. Someone might show up."

"In the sewer?"

Indeed, ol' pizza delivery man Nick got the surprise if his life when a red balloon floated out of the big pipe at The Barrens and popped in his and his coworker Johnny's faces, spattering blood all over them and the pizza box, and revealing Pennywise the Dancing Clown.

"You found me!" he shouted with glee, clapping and stomping his feet. He threw his arms around Nick, then Johnny, cheerfully proclaiming, "I'm so glad I didn't eat you guys when I had the chance." He stuffed a hundred dollar bill down Nick's pants, unhinged his jaw, grabbed the pizza box in his mouth, and scampered back into the sewer on all fours like some kind of chupacabra.

Nick and Johnny quit their jobs, that afternoon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nick is a real pizza delivery man, and Johnny is a name I pulled out of my ass.


	3. I don’t even know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this at 5:30am with a fever.

It was a sweltering hot December day because why the heck not, and Pennywise was strolling around Derry in a blue polka dot women’s bathing suit over his usual clown garb because people wear bathing suits when it’s hot, right? But he’s also just a little bit clueless about how human thermoregulation works. He was carrying with him a plastic Winn-Dixie bag chalk full of pizza snacks while skipping down Main Street and tossing them out in handfuls like candy at a parade.

In the months since Pennywise the dancing clown discovered the life changing power of pizza snacks, his life had completely changed. He smiled more. He had found Maturin. He had even become a beloved member of the community he spent so many years terrorizing. Also, conveniently, since pizza is much easier to hunt than children, his new diet all but eliminated his need to hibernate for more than a few hours each day - you know, like a regular person. Unfortunately, poor Penny’s sleep schedule was completely jacked, hence it was around half past two in the morning as he skipped down the road tossing pizza snacks to and fro like some kind of possessed Santa Claus while belting Memory from Andrew Lloyd Webber’s CATS. He had taken quite a liking to that musical, as it was weird as heck, and Macavity the Mystery Cat reminded him quite a lot of himself.

Human forms of entertainment was just another thing he had discovered, since entering society. Unfortunately, he was completely freaking illiterate, so he was stuck with TV and movies. His favorite movie series was Pirates of the Caribbean, as Bootstrap Bill Turner gave him a fatherly vibe.

BUT I DIGRESS. So, Pennywise was skipping down Main Street flinging pizza snacks and singing at the top of his lungs. People were starting to wake up, including Ol’ Pizza Delivery Man Nick, who was still traumatized by his first encounter with Pennywise and promptly hid himself in the bathtub with a bicycle helmet on his head. His best friend Alyssa and her yellow dog ventured out into the night to find Pennywise and ask him nicely to shut the heckity heck up.

“Hey, Pennywise. Look, I know you’re really excited about your pizza snacks, but wjcugudjrbgkgi...”

Alyssa’s voice was muffled by the handful of delicious pizza snacks the clown shoved in her mouth.

Pennywise skipped off, but not before handing a few pizza snacks to the yellow dog, who would refuse to eat anything but pizza snacks for the rest of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SURPRISE, ALYSSA: YOU’RE IN IT, TOO.


	4. Therapy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I got the idea for this chapter from Fellow pizza fan's comment on the last chapter.

Poor Ol’ Pizza Delivery Man Nick hadn’t slept in a week. His every thought was plagued with visions of Pennywise. The smell of pizza had permanently rooted itself in his nostrils. The mere thought of pizza made him burst into tears, which was highly inconvenient, since his roommate’s yellow dog would not eat anything but pizza snacks.

Nick decided to take control of his life, having been inspired after watching Moana for the seventh day in a row. He decided to go to therapy.

There was only one therapist in the town of Derry.

Nick reclined on the couch like a Freudian stereotype and lamented, “Every time I close my eyes, I see _his_ eyes…”

The therapist nodded solemnly and asked, “Eyes liKe tHEse?”

The therapists eyes promptly turned yellow, revealing that he was, in fact, _Pennywise in disguise!_  He prescribed Nick some pizza snacks, which he promptly fed him right there in the office.

Miraculously, the holy power of the pizza snacks cured Nick!

Later that week, everyone in Derry found a business card in their mailbox for Pennywise the Dancing Clown, Pizza Therapist.


	5. I hate myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I deserve death.

On a chilly Tuesday night, Pennywise got home from work. He had gotten a job as a stripper at the local club, since becoming a member of society. It was going well.

So he got home, right? And there’s this plate of pizza snacks sitting on the floor in front of the front door.

“What the heck?” he said aloud to no one in particular. “Who put this plate of pizza snacks, here?”

Then he remembered.

He did, as a surprise for himself.

How thoughtful of you, Pennywise.


	6. Enter the Reader

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Penny has the solution to all your problems.

Pennywise sat in the living room of the Neibolt House, waiting for his pizza therapy client the way the author is waiting for their phys ed instructor as they write this.

Finally, fashionably late, in walked his pizza therapy client, the reader.

Pennywise looks at you through the screen you are using to read this FanFiction. “Hello, Reader. I have the solution to all your problems. Order a pizza.”

Then y’all do the nasty, because apparently that’s gotta happen in every Pennywise fic. Not that we’re complaining.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously, where is my instructor?


	7. Sunday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I can’t get out of bed, so I might as well write this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, if you’re still reading this, thank you for coming on this pizza flavored journey with me. I just wanted to let everyone know that I have no intention of stopping this story any time soon. I’m just gonna keep adding trash as it comes to mind. Enjoy.
> 
> Additionally, I now have an IT sideblog on Tumblr, @waitingformydancingclown. So you can follow me if you have low standards.

It was Sunday, and you and Pennywise were grocery shopping, like the author should be doing, but they’re an idiot who forgot to take their meds and can’t seem to drag their lazy butt out of bed.

You walked peacefully up and down the aisles at Publix, because that’s the grocery store they have where the author is currently living, and they’ve never been to Maine so they don’t know wtf they have up there in the Arctic circle, with Pennywise sitting in the trolley surrounded by pizza snacks. You were now on a mission to find every pizza flavored thing Publix had to offer. You picked up pizza flavored Goldfish crackers and pizza sauce and pizza Hot Pockets and Red Baron Mini Deep Dish Pizzas in all flavors, and you ordered a pizza from Papa John’s to pick up on the way home. Penny had taken a liking to the garlic butter. You also bought a blender, because Penny wanted to make pizza smoothies.

You pulled into the checkout, where Ol’ Pizza Delivery Man Nick’s former coworker Johnny rang up your 27 bags of 90 count Totino’s Pizza Rolls. “Say,” Johnny said. “Isn’t it kinda unethical for a therapist to date their client?”

Pennywise opened a box of Hot Pockets and slapped Johnny across the face with one, then opened the Goldfish and poured them over him, all the while shouting, “It’s _true love_.”

You and Penny then went back to the Neibolt house, filled a bathtub with uncooked pizza snacks, and bathed in them, keeping your clothes on because you still fully intended to cook and eat them later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this chapter has made me hungry enough to inspire me to get out of bed.


	8. I’m super sleep deprived

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You can’t sleep. Penny has the solution.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I had a long ass intro to this chapter, but I accidentally deleted it and look I was up until 5am because I couldn’t sleep so give me a break I’m grumpy.

Basically, you couldn’t sleep, so Pennywise brought you some pizza snacks like the nice upstanding monster he’s become. You really just wanted to sleep, but he was all “Here, Take i- _t_ ,” and I mean damn who can say no to that mmmmm? So you ate them, and by the time you were finished, you were, like, super sleepy. Like oh my god. So sleepy. So Pennywise tucked you in and kissed your forehead and said, “Sleep, little one. Not that you have much of a choice. I laced the pizza snacks with trazadone.” And you were so relieved to finally be able to fall asleep that you weren’t even mad that he drugged you. What a good boi.


	9. Another Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can Pennywise save a man’s life with pizza?

It was one o’clock in the morning when Pennywise received a frantic phone call from the hospital. A man named Eric had gone into hysterics after discovering the first eight chapters of Pennywise Likes Pizza Snacks. He needed pizza therapy, stat!

Pennywise, who had finally reached a regular sleep schedule, groaned. “Can’t he wait until the sun comes up?”

But alas, the doctor was insistent. The man would die of pizza deprivation within the hour if Pennywise could not help him.

The good pizza therapist relented and warped himself to the hospital, where he was immediately swarmed by a team of highly trained professionals who begged him, “Please, Dr. Wise! We have never seen such a severe case!”

He shoved them out of the way like Moses parting the Red Sea and walked into the room, where Eric lay unconscious, strapped to the gurney.

Pennywise nodded solemnly. “He needs a pizza sauce drip, stat! I fear we are already too late.”

“But Dr. Wise!” a young nurse cried in horror. “He is a friend of the author! Surely, the author would not let him die?”

“A friend of the author! Why didn’t you tell me? The situation is far more serious than I thought. He is going to need mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Give me a pizza snack.”

Luckily, due to Pennywise’s seven published papers on the medicinal benefits of Amy’s Kitchen cheese pizza snacks, the hospital had some on hand, warm and ready to go. Pennywise popped one in his mouth, chewed it up, and spat it into Eric’s mouth like a mother bird feeding her young.

“He will live,” Pennywise proclaimed, “but he is going to need pizza therapy for the rest of his life.”

The doctors and nurses applauded as Pennywise left the building. Just another day for Pennywise the dancing clown, pizza therapist by day, stripper by night.


End file.
